TRAVEL WRITINGS

My arms spread out I sore above the land, down valleys at incredible speeds, just to pull up at the last second. My flying would make Harry Potter jealous. The Nymbus 2000 is no challenge, not even the Firebolt can rival my flying style.

Ting dong ting dong ting

What’s this? There are no funny Chinese doorbells in my free skies! I see a cliff, and I race down it’s face rushing faster and faster, freeeeeedom! Dong ding tong dong ting what the?? Dong ding tong dong ting it’s too late I can’t pull up… Dong ding tong dong ting

OK OK OK Dong ding tong dong ting ooooooOOOOOK! Dong ding tong dong ting I’m awake! Dong ding tong dong ting Jesus, hasn’t anybody taught you that you ring a doorbell twice and then leave? Dong ding tong dong ting Guess not!

Dong ding tong dong ting

I open the door. It’s one of the janitor women waving her hand in the air trying to explain I must sign something… not quite sure what. In English, I say: “I’m not the landlord, all bills are his responsibility, I don’t speak Chinese, I was sleeping, bye bye.”

No more bells. How great. I actually even find sleep again… Dong ding tong dong ting WHAT?! Dong ding tong dong ting jesus! You people never give up! I told you 30 minutes ago, I don’t speak Chinese! Dong ding tong dong ting

I open the door: 3 police officers. (Mistake number one: anyone who knows me well will know I’m a bitch on wheels in the morning, and the police won’t stop me from that, I had AK-47s in my face a number of times, the police is nothing).

“What do you want?” I ask. Apparently I don’t have my temporary residential permit. “All foreigners must register in three days,” he tells me. I answer that “I’m not a temporary resident, but a tourist, you can check my papers to that effect. I’m not paying rent here, so this ain’t my place but my friend’s, so I’m not a resident.” It won’t work. They come into my apartment.

My blood is already boiling, but I keep a calm face. I have a job interview this afternoon, if they want they’ll keep me all day, or until the end of the week if they feel like it! This job is too important, I want it. So, they inform me I must pay a fine. I explained that in two years no police officer has ever fined me, no matter how late I’ve been… the other police officers have always been nice to me (mistake no.2).

“Police office… you come,” says the youngest one.

“Ok, I’ll go tomorrow,” I retort. “I have an important job interview today and you’ll make me late. You know I’m here now, I’m the only foreigner for miles, I’m quite easy to spot.
- No, your job, not important. You break law illegal. You must pay 100 RMB.
- My job interview not important??? WHAT?? (mistake no.3)
- Yes, you must come.
- Ok ok ok, just let me make a phone call…”

Calling my friend, I warn her I was gonna be late to meet her to visit a hot new apartment just before swinging to my job interview. The third police officer that had been silent finally speaks out, he wants to speak to her. WHY??? errr… ok.

He gets on the phone. Talks in Shanghainese. I’m lost, no clue what the hell he’s saying. The phone comes back my way. “The police officer says the neighbors are complaining that you had all kinds of strange girls in here in the middle of the night. Maybe prostitutes,” my friend informs me.

The blood is boiling. That’s it! I close the phone. “What the fuck did you just tell my friend? What kind of bullshit is this?”

“Please respect us. Please cooperate with us. We told your girlfriend…
- She’s my friend.
- ...we told your friend to come here.
- You also told her I had prostitutes and many girls here.
- No, no, replies the police officer who now looks afraid of me, his head hanging low like I was his mother giving him hell, a weird sensation I assure you. We told her no such thing.”

This is where I truly loose it. I have been composed up to now, but I’m spitting fire. I’m not even sure what came out, but it was something that looked like “Gou na hao zi” (it’s none of your business) even if I had different girls here, it’s my private life. I leave the room mumbling under my breath something like “f*cking China.” If lightning could actually come out of my eyes, we would have three 3rd degree burnt bodies.

They leave. I have to show up at the police station later. What a week (read post from Monday). I had the police in my face twice too much. If this much bad stuff is happening something good has got to happen eventually… right??

My friend and landlord, Ivan, calls, “what happened?” Oh Jesus! I explain the story in as much detail as I can remember. He’s outside of himself. Michelle has confirmed the story to him, about the police telling her that I had different girls here all the time. “I haven’t seen a girl here in 3 months! And you’ve been here for barely one.”

He’s gonna come down to the police station.

My mother always told me that when I get mad people just get terrified of me. I always wondered why. I’m a matchstick man. I guess I can get pretty intense though, with the shit I’ve seen not much can move me. But still, all my friends always tell me I couldn’t hurt a fly even if I tried, which in the end are my true feelings – vis-à-vis physical force.

At the police station, after Ivan slammed the door of the neighbors in protest for this mess, our three-person delegation goes to the main counter. My friends are well received, I’m not. My friends are informed that I insulted China. That I acted in a way that “scared” the police officers at the scene. And that my fine has now been doubled.

This guy. The oldest of the three – the other two are kids – was really enjoying this. Making a foreigner fold to his desires. Making me bend the way he wanted to. I was hating every single nanosecond of it, and he knew it. So it lasted a long time. He talked… and talked… and talked… and talked.

My Chinese friends started to make pressures for me to take off my I’m-going-to-kill-you-slowly look and put on a smile. I tried.

The only thing this poor old police officer didn’t expect is that my two friends are very well connected people. One a law major working for the government that knows a number of people, the other works for a magazine and is well connected in the media world.

The prostitute-and-different-girl-at-every-night story disappeared. “What? no no no never mind that story…” the police officer would reply. He3 eventually explained that ll of this happened because the day before I was walking on the streets proudly, and walk passed him without acknowledging him. Note to self: bow when meeting police officers in the street.

I wish I was back home sometimes, I would sue the bastard to his last penny. I could actually potentially sue him in China, if I had a lot of connections (guangxi), and not only a little, like now.

And, even though he knows he’s wrong, he goes on… This foreigner disrespected China and Chinese officials.

I finally crack. Time is flying by, I need to get to my interview: “I’m sorry. Feichang duibuqi!” I want to end this quick. What a mistake!! My admission gave him so much power that the speech continued with doubled effort. Explaining how I was bad, and how I had broken the law, and not tried to understand China and Chinese people… how horrible I was.

Finally I sign a bunch of papers… fined: 200RMB (24$US). I’ve delayed my interview in the last possible slot without looking tooo bad. And I still have an apartment to visit, a place that’s gonna fly away soon.

Thank god for my friends here. This could have been a nightmare…(sic)

Standing on the tube (the same one with the wonderful view of a boy pooping in a bag from the previous post) I realize I’m standing in a puddle of piss. Now, just how bad is this day going to be? I’m sweating from the heat, my shirt is sticking to my skin. I’m not quite sure I smell so nice anymore for my interview. And besides, if there is any aftershave left, the puddle of piss now on my shoe soles will take care of it.

The apartment is wonderful! It’s great! Better than I expected. There is work to do, they have no sense of decoration here, but nothing I can’t help and fix up a little. I want it. I give my friend the deposit money and rush out the door to the job interview letting her resolve all the paper work and negotiation. Did I mention my friends are wonderful?

The job interview goes like a dream! [not naming names] gave me really positive feed back, and when I sign a contract I’ll keep you guys posted, but nothing is signed yet, so silence is of order. However, I was told to “count yourself in!”

I guess ying-yang does exit. Thank god! So, when the shit hits the fan, it sometimes flies in a different direction…apparently.